Not as brave as you were at the start

"But it was not your fault but mine
And it was your heart on the line
I really f**ked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my dear"  

- Mumford and Sons, Little Lion Man

Let me start this by stating that I'm fine, on a day to day level, it's all going okay. Life has settled into some sort of routine and my penchant for procrastination hasn't gotten me into too many arguments. This isn't a whine, it's a vent. I just needed to get out some of the stuff I haven't been able to admit.

I'm a bit more broken than I used to be. I've always had more chipped mugs than skeletons in my closet, but now I'm having to glue the handles back on to most of them too. Having a premature baby shook all of them, all the vulnerable things I'd spent years bolstering with flour paste, sticky back plastic and bubble-wrap. Shook them hard that they fractured, little cracks that weakened, made them fragile but from the outside they still look whole.

My son escaped the Mother-ship out of the emergency exit hatch, I didn't give birth to him, he was extracted by a crack surgical SWAT team. My womb was holding him hostage and slowly withdrawing life support, my cervic hostile to the mere idea of induction and so he had to be rescued. I failed him, I failed to nurture him, I even failed to get him into the school year he was supposed to be in.

He was born on August 27th 2011, I had developed pre-eclampsia with HELLP syndrome and he was smaller than he should have been. I swing wildly between resenting them carving him out of me when everything was stable and being so grateful we didn't wait for a tipping point. Because we're both okay now. Honest.

Most days Sprocket himself is the glue that I can use to hold it all together, he's a constant amazement. Confounding, clever and a joy to be around. Of course he's tiring, he's 8 months old, he's trying to do so many things at once, of course there are moments I could cry...Like 4am, when he's determined to be awake and teething and crying all at once. He makes everything better, the balm on wounds. He makes me want to be a better mum, a better person. I don't want to fail him again.

I need to learn how to keep a post to a theme, to a chronology...But for now, i just needed to get that out of my system.