I remember a single tear, cold on a face that felt numb. A single tear that was equally pure joy and a silent appeal for all the things I couldn't have snaking down my face, a tear that sprung to life as you took your first breath and bellowed. I was told not to expect you to cry, you were too small, too unprepared for the outside world. But you cried and in your first picture not even an hour later you stared defiant at the camera. A stubbornness that hasn't left you yet.
Your birth wasn't the one I expected to have, over seven weeks early and free from any of the pains that a women is supposed to know when she has a child, there was no right of passage for me. I didn't earn the right to hold you, wet and slippery and new from the safety of my body. But I got you anyway and you got me, we were both alive and had time to get used to being a family in the month it took you to be ready to come home. That was the moment, you so small in your car-seat, that I became your Mum, not just a Mother.
It's taken you a year to get that word out, Mama, and even now I'm sure you don't know what it means, let alone the amazing bubble of warmth it creates in my chest when you say it. Those last few weeks of carrying you, the isolation of being in hospital and the unknown that came with each new bit of doctor's advice and each new midwife left scars. Not seeing you for a day after you were born, knowing you were just doors down the corridor hurt so much. But, my amazing little man you heal me, you show me joy and I am so grateful for you.
It's you that has made me strong enough to try the crazy ride that is pregnancy again. To complete our little family and give you a companion, someone to knock your edges off and share life with you. Now as I grow your little brother inside me I worry what you will think of him, will you feel I have ousted you, feel replaced and jealous? Will I have to go into hospital and leave you with your Daddy and other people who love you, but aren't me, for weeks. Stupid questions, because we will both do what has to be done. That's just the way of things.
So many hopes and plans for a future that's surging forward, so many fears and doubts that nip around my ankles on cold autumn mornings. We'll get through Winter, it may get cold and lonely but the sun will still shine and the days will get longer again. I hold onto your joyful smile like a talisman. You, your Dad and your little brother, my little tribe, my biggest pride. I can do anything for you.
I just need to try to forget those feelings, on that operating table, I need to let go of being powerless and vulnerable. There's nothing to be afraid of anymore, no monster under the cupboard – I'll fight them all away for you and you'll never know how you do the same for me.
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| My Little Tiger Cub |
